"Lead Me Through the Fire"

Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where absolutely everything seemed as if it were up in the air? I really wish something would happen. I just need an outcome of any kind. Preferably a good one. Everything that matters in my life right now is a toss-up and it's driving me up a wall.

I went to work today to get some extra rehearsal time in because I'm on spring break now. The "spring break" that rehearsals were scheduled to run every day on follows the spring break schedule of the high schools in the neighboring districts. Since I'll be missing all of those practices, I put in a few hours today and got to meet all the new-hires for the year. Many of them I already knew because they were either dancers from my dance studio or they were promoted hosts from last season. The brand new dancers that are new to Sesame on a whole are very nice. Can I say that it is amazing that we have a BOY Elmo! That's right! A 5'2" 16 year old who's an awesome dancer and looks like he's maybe a day over 11. Adorable! He makes me wish I had a little brother...kinda.

I did the show once. Once. In regular clothes, no costume pieces, in an air-conditioned room ("West Wing" which is the back of the Human Resources Center, the warehouse section of the building that is poorly carpeted. They keep all of the shipments of merchanise and such back there) and I almost died. I really wish I was exaggerating on that one. Granted, I'm not dancing like I used to anymore. Granted, this was the first physical activity I've taken part in since I got over athsmatic bronchitis. However, it was INSANE how exhausted I was after ONE show. I need to get back in the swing of things...fast. Not that I planned it or anything, but during the time Megan H. and I planned on spending time at the gym I got sick (and coincidentally so did she), so my plans of getting back into shape have gone down the tubes. Despite that, I should have taken it more upon myself to at least keep my flexibility in check. That will come back quickly, though. More importantly, I should have kept my breathing in check. I should have spent time on the tredmill or something. Anything. And now I'm screwed. What's worse is I'm allergic to the West Wing (the area where we practice). No lie. With the amount of stuff they bring in that room and take out of it, there is dirt and dust everywhere. I couldn't stop sneezing for the 4 hours I was there tonight. I've been sneezing all night because of it. It drove my allergies up a WALL. I'm finally back to normal 4 1/2 hours later. God knows what's gonna happen this weekend when I'm in that room for 7 hours both Saturday and Sunday.

Between the athsma, the allergies, and the pains in my knee, I realize now why Sesame stops raising your pay after three years. Your body physically cannot endure that amount of physical strain for more than three years. I'm praying to whatever higher power there is above me that this is just me getting acclimated to dancing over again after a 5 month break. If not then I'm totally fucked.

I was scared shitless of this season before I started going to rehearsal. On top of all of this, I didn't need the director of the entertainment department coming in today, pulling me aside and telling me: "YOU will be establishing Abby Cadabby for millions of children. She doesn't start full time on the TV show until September so whatever they see this summer is going to make or break her. I'm counting on you to make this work, Val."

I did not need tonight. I did not need one more reason for me to believe that I'm a failure, or to be reminded that there are even bigger things out there for me to potentially screw up. Next weekend could ultimately make or break my entertainment career.

LaTeR