Falling Awake

Disclaimer*: This entry is more rhetorical than anything. I hate the fact that I have to put this here, but seeing how some people get so easily offended these days I feel it's appropriate.

No matter what I do in life, it always seems like I choose what's wrong for me. I always stand in the wrong check out lines in stores. I chose science over English (meaning I chose what I liked over what I was good at). I choose to help people when I know they're just going to stab me in the back in return. I chose dance class over marching band. I choose to believe myself when I think I'm not good enough for something. I choose to care about people who are not going to return the sentiment. I choose to forgive instead of hold a grudge. I choose to see things through to the end long after people have given up. I choose to be trustworthy to people who cannot be the same for me. And the list can go on and on with these trivial matters.

All these things have failed me in some respect or another. However, the one choice that hasn't failed me has been my choice to stay silent instead of saying how I feel. People always tell you to not keep things bottled up inside, and to talk to someone if something is bothering you. They're right. I've seen it work. It just seems to make things worse in my case. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I did something somewhere along the line to be in this position. All I know is that I don't want to talk about how I feel anymore. Please, don't get me wrong. I'm not going on a people-are-not-to-be-trusted streak, because there are people who can be trusted. It's just that I feel like in order to not choose incorrectly anymore then I'm going to have to not choose at all, for now at least. It's probably going to suck big time, but at least it'll be a nice break from being disappointed most of the time. I'm never going to stop being there for people I care about, I'm never going to learn how to hold a grudge against someone who I'm just going to forgive anyway, and I'm never going to stop helping people who may/may not deserve it because that is who I am. I wouldn't call it being a pushover as long as you know where to construct the emotional boundaries.

I apologize for such a depressing entry. I guess too much Grey's Anatomy can be poisonous for a person's mood. As usual, I just don't know where to turn some times. It just sucks that my GPS system can't bail me out of this one.

Eagle in the dark
Feathers in the pages.
Monkeys in my heart
Are rattling their cages.

Found a way to blue
And another ghost to follow
Said “it’s only up to you”
And that’s the hardest pill to swallow.

You never get to choose
You live on what they sent you
And you know they’re gonna use
The things you love against you.

One foot in the grave
One foot in the shower
There’s never time to save
You’re paying by the hour.

And that’s just the way it goes
Falling awake
And that’s just the way it goes

In No Particular Order

It's that time of the year again! Time for the top 15 list. Okay, maybe it's not that time of the year, but I feel like it is. There is also a good chance that I won't be in a writing mood closer to New Years, so I might as well take advantage of it now.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, this is the top 15 list of things you want to say to people, but can't bring yourself to do so. I'm inserting this edit after reading Papa's blog, because he definitely said it best: "If you feel you're on here, and you truly want to know, ask. I'm not about lying to people. You don't need to know who number 7 is, but you should have the right to know when it's you."
So far I think I balanced it out very well. There are 5 good ones, 5 bad ones, and 5 basically neutral ones. Enjoy...

Val's Top 15 of 2007

1. Whenever I'm with you I feel as if I'm looking into a mirror. Not necessarily in the respect of looks, skill, or interests (although we have many of them in common), but more along the lines of how we view the world and other people. If I ever need to find someone who understands my twisted mind, I know I will always have you! I'm pretty sure you feel the same way about me. I know I'll never be top on your list, but I just wanted to let you know that you top mine. I'm sorry for all the times I annoyed you and for all the times I disappointed you. I'm just the way that I am and there is no changing that sometimes. I just hope one day you will be as proud of me as I am of you.

2. You are by far the person who has made the biggest mistake in your life ever. I have to say as much as I'm relieved that you have done so, I wish every day that you hadn't done it. I will never understand what put you in that sort of position in the first place, but what I do know is that you were, are, and always will be the most unworthy person I've ever met. Besides all of that, I wish things had turned out more in your favor. The only thing wrong with that wish is because it's not intended to make your life happier. If you truly understood the meaning of true love, you'd know what I am talking about. I hope that one day you will.

3. Words cannot describe how amazing you are, but since this is a blog and all I have are words, I'm going to attempt this anyway: You are probably the soul reason I made it through LaSalle this year (so far). I don't know what I would have done, who I would be, or what would have become of me without you in my life. You are the epitome of "best friend" and no one can argue otherwise and hope to win. If everyone had a friend like you in their lives, there would be no more sadness in this world. I wish you nothing less than incessant happiness and success in your life because you deserve it all and more. Those who do not call you a friend are clinically deprived.

4. I don't know what happened to you. Absolutely no clue! All I know is I want the old you back. I want back my friend who was considerate, selfless, and not so completely oblivious to the world around him/her as you have become. You have become nothing more than a proximity mine and I have no choice but to be head of the bomb squad. It's not fair. Your irrationality makes you, me, and everyone around you uncomfortable and miserable. Unfortunately, you're so close minded at this point that I can't help you realize that. I just hope you don't lose any friends over it.

5. You are not mysterious. You are not weak. You are not a bad person. You are not going to fail. You are more amazing than you will ever allow yourself to believe. You've severely mistaken your self worth because you are nothing more than self defeating. If you took one day of your life (any day) and looked at yourself through the eyes of one of your true friends, you may finally understand just how meaningful your existence on this earth is. I don't know what I'd do without you, but I do know that I am not alone in feeling this way. You deserve to be happy. Try to work on that. And if happiness ever falls in short supply, never hesitate to seek out someone in your life who is able to turn the tables. You may never know the impact someone may have on your life unless you give them a chance. The only thing left I feel needs to be said in your case is that there is a huge difference in what is right and what is easy. You of all people need to discover what that means in your life.

6. Something good will come of this. No matter how much you don't want it to, something good will come of it. It has to. There simply is no alternative. I know I've done nothing to make you believe otherwise, so it's all on you from here on out.

7. I've never known anyone to be as cut-throat as you. I'm not going to go around telling everyone what you did, because I'm better than that. I just wanted to say you're welcome. You're welcome for everything I spoon-fed you. It's gotten you everything you wanted so far. Unfortunately, I know better now so you'll have to finish the remainder of your time here without my guidance. Good luck.

8. I wish you strength. I wish you joy. I wish you courage. I wish you nothing but the best because I hate to see you like this. I'm not going to lie to you. You know I never will. However, you do know that I am always here for you 24/7 no matter what. I know I'll never truly top your list either, but please know that you are very important to me and to everyone else that matters in your life.

9. I never thought I'd ever come to hate someone, until I met you. Your knack for ruining your life and the lives of people around you is truly unmatched. You created a fantasy world of your own and dragged me unwillingly into the middle of it. I hope you profoundly enjoy filling people's heads with lies, because it has done nothing but cause trouble. You need to act your own age for once in your life, you need to learn that "intimate" and "inanimate" are not synonyms, and most of all: you need to stuff your mouth with arsenic and sew it shut with a dull needle.

10. We work so well together it scares me sometimes! I'm so lucky to have a friend like you in my life because there is never a dull moment when we are together. You make my day in so many ways and I have to admit that my day feels incomplete if you're not a part of it. When I see my life 10 years from now, you are one of the first people I see standing beside me. We have an awesome friendship and I thank you everyday for it.

11. If there is anyone on this planet who consistently ruins my self esteem, it's you. It's you and it's not supposed to be you. It's you and I don't want it to be you anymore. I don't know if it's because I'm the easiest target or what. All I know is that no matter how much I try to tune you out, you still hurt me. Please stop because it's not supposed to be like this.

12. You are adorable! We do not spend nearly as much time together as we should. This is something we most definitely need to change. We make quite the dynamic duo, and there is never a shortage of laughter and smiles when we're together. I'm so grateful that we have become so close over the past few years. You are not only a best friend, you are an inspiration. Put it this way: baby, I'm amazed by you!

13. There are only two words that describe what you've become this year: "conniving" and "failure". It really upsets me to have to say that, but it's true. For one brief moment this year I felt like I talked to my friend. Other than that, you've pretty much been dead to me all year. Feeling this way about you hurts me a lot because I used to look up to you so much.

14. What...did you...DO?!?! I want to try and get to know you again. I honestly do. I just don't see it working out. You are no where near the person you used to be and I have a terrible feeling that my best friend is gone for good. I really wish you would consider changing your lifestyle because you are headed toward a dead end. I don't want to see that happen to you. You're too important to me to end up that way.

15. You didn't win...you got lucky. I blame it on timing, I really do. However, please note that you will never catch me off guard ever again. Although I value our friendship highly, you were still the biggest mistake of the year. There is not a day that goes by that I don't regret what happened. Please don't get me wrong though. What happened was not bad at all, but the fact that it happened was something I swore would never occur. As I said, you got lucky. If you want to pride yourself on anything, luck is all you're entitled to.

*Twinkle Out*

F.Y.E.

This is not exactly the blog entry I wanted to write, but I guess it's because I'm not fully prepared to write the blog entry I intended on writing. It will come soon enough. For now, I would like to leave you with something I think you'll find most amusing (I know I did!). However, before we get into that, here are a few quick highlights:

I PASSED THE PHYSICS FINAL! In turn, I PASSED PHYSICS! Actually, I passed physics two steps above what I thought I was going to get. I thought I was going to end up with a D, but I ended up passing with a C-. I know, I know...not the best grade ever. Honestly though, I don't care because it's way higher than I expected! Also, I'm not too bummed because I calculated my cumulative grade point average with me have a D in physics, a C in organic and A-'s in everything else and I would still pull a 3.01. So the fact that I have a C- instead of a D in physics is AWESOME! Thank goodness Longo curves! Speaking of Longo's grade curves, my homework grade should have rounded out to 78%, but the curve made it an 87%. Thank you to all who were too lazy to do the online homework problems! They counted after all...SURPRISE!

Second quick update, Sweeny Todd was awesome. Definitely go see it!

And now for the more entertaining part of this entry:

As I've mentioned to some of you, my mother has a tendency to use my room for her own personal junk storage while I'm away at school. Some of you expressed that you run into a similar problem. Now, for anyone who's seen my and Megan's side of 233 will know that I am pretty organized when it comes to my stuff. Therefore, imagine me walking into my room on the first day of Christmas break and not being able to get passed the door. Luckily, it wasn't too bad because I knew it was coming. Anyhoo, my plan is to redo (and repaint) my room this break in the hopes that once it's cleaned and organize then my mom will stop filling it with crap. In order to do that, I must first sort through the piles of junk that my mother as strewn about the room. I took my first step today and partially conquered the mondo pile of crap that was on my floor. It's not totally gone yet, but I threw away an exploding trash bag full of stuff and you can see a significantly larger portion of my floor now. Phew! One step at a time...Anyhoo, as I was sorting through this pile, I stumbled upon my monologue I used for a Benefit Talent Show I helped out with my senior year. I wanted to share it with you because it was probably my favorite monologue I performed in high school. Not to mention that Miss Pamela Woodward and Miss Megan McGee will probably enjoy it as much as I did! So now I present to you:

Skinny
By Monica Hesse

Some people try to use nice words to describe skinny people. They call us "petite", "slender", and (my personal favorite) "small boned". But to me, that's like calling people with big feet "good ground packers". It might sound nice, but it doesn't change the fact that their shoes are often mistaken for Noah's Ark.

Other people think that my small stature is both useful and entertaining. Whenever a ring or other piece of jewelery has fallen through a small hole, like a drain, or behind a couch, or down a rat-infested sewer, I, with my small hands and tiny wrists, am called upon to fish it out. I am also quite popular in dance class: "Monica, we'd like to try picking up someone by their earlobe, spinning them around at 9000 miles an hour, and then releasing them in the direction of the ceiling, thereby propelling them toward the high speed, jet powered fan. You're skinny, can we try it on you?"

You don't get much sympathy being thin, either. My mother treats it like it's some mysterious illness ("Monica can't come out and play, she's skinny today"). During family gatherings, she occasionally tries to pass me off as an Ethiopian refugee who hasn't eaten for sixteen days. Otherwise, my relatives might notice my lack of mass and accuse her of "not feeding me properly." This is a touchy subject with my mother, who always fears that there is a direct correlation between her bad cooking and my fast metabolism.

One week, in an attempt to "fatten me up," she only cooked meals with more fat content than Luciano Pavarotti. This plan backfired when she and my stepfather gained ten pounds and I lost two. We spent the next week eating only seaweed and bean sprouts.

Buying underwear is another problem. There are simply no bras in my size. I'm forced to shop in the juniors department where all the brassieres sport embarrassing pictures and slogans like, "Little Miss Inverted Chest," and "You're on Your Way to Becoming a Woman Training Bra." Training bras were a concept I could never understand. Training for what? God only knows. Certainly not the Breast Olympics, mine would never make it past time trials.

Don't get my wrong - I'm not complaining too much here. After all, I'm nearly 18 and I'm still admitted with children's fare at the movies. However, just once in my life, I wouldn't mind being able to wear a halter-style top without worrying about the strength of the elastic. I would love to be able to fill a bikini with my curvaceous hips and womanly figure, and stand around with all of my other well-endowed friends as we gawk at all the passerby. "Don't you just hate that girl," we would whisper viciously, "She's so skinny!"


*Twinkle Out*